back in bham

Coming back to Bellingham this time, was probably the hardest time leaving home it has ever been. I say that almost every time that I leave, but honestly it feels like each time gets harder and harder.

It took me two days to get back up here from Telluride, and I had stopped in Boise on the way up to stay the night before getting back here. I was so excited to see Rocko, and to get my paperwork in, so that I could move into my new place, by hopefully the next Monday.

Of course, when I got back, I turned in my application, and a day later got an email saying that the owner had denied me. The reason being that I broke my last lease, which was for the house that I moved out of because of my roommate issues. So now I'm in Bellingham with about a week until school starts up, and a few days until I start working again, and I'm back to being homeless. Ha. It's been crazy trying to find a place to live up here. I decided that I am going to keep tying to find a place for a few more days and see what happens. If I can't by the time school starts, and I'm getting to the point of not being able to drop classes, then I'll pack my bags again and head back home. This time I'd bring Rocko with me though, because I decided on the way up here that I really want to go home for the summer. It's been really hard being away from home, and not going back for the holidays to be with my family.

During these last couple of months being home, I was able to really relax, and get away from everything that had gone down in Bellingham, which was exactly what I needed. That's why leaving was so hard, because I could finally let go of everything, and be happy. Being back now is a little different, I feel like I have started to understand what it is that I want and who I am more. But, I feel like leaving everything behind here, I moved forward a little more with myself and my life, but then I came back to people, and a place that is still in the same spot.

It's hard to explain, but I'm sure some people can relate, or understand what I am trying to get out.

Not having a place to live right now, and struggling to find one, as well as being extremely homesick already has put me in a really tough position to try and figure out what I want to do, as well as where I want to be. I really want to go to school this spring quarter, it's the best quarter of the year, and I was super excited to take the classes that I signed up for. But, on the other hand, I am really homesick, already starting to feel a little less happy than when I was when I first got back as well as when I was when I was at home. Also not being able to find a place makes me have the idea of maybe just going back to really get myself grounded. It would give me more time to figure out what I am doing, as well as about six months to try and find a place for the fall.

It's a lot to think about, and a lot going on in my head right now, but I'm hoping within this next week to have it all sorted out, or at least come to a decision. It's hard when so much is going on inside your head, and you're not quite sure what you want anymore.

I think if I continue with my practices, go to yoga on Monday, and then do some goal setting with my lulu team I'll be able to kind of sort some stuff out for myself. Just lay it all out there, and find peace again with all the chaos from these past couple of days.

At least with all of this going on I get Rocko cuddles with it! I couldn't be happier to be with my little pup again.